Five Reasons Not to Shag
by Tears and Rain
Summary: "Alright. Give me five good reasons you don't want me in your bed." Merlin has to give the group five reasons (deemed good enough by them) that he doesn't want Arthur.


**Hey, guys!**

**This is a ficlet I wrote in hopes of shaking a writer's block off before it even got here. (Don't laugh, I could feel it sneaking up.) And it worked! It picks up in the middle of a scene, but I don't think that'll be a problem 'cause you get a feel of the situation pretty quickly.**

**Disclaimer: I own a big, fat zero, and that's it.**

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**Location: At de pub**

"Alright," Arthur grinned when Merlin collapsed against him, wheezing out a sigh, breathless with laughter. "Give me five good reasons you don't want me in your bed."

"Easy." Merlin straightened and pulled his shirt down, hiding the pale sliver of hip that had begun to peek out, and raised a finger intellectually. "One. You're a prat."

Arthur laughed and smacked the hand down. "Five _good_ reasons. I don't need manners to be a good shag."

"Fine." Merlin pouted, but was over it soon enough. He also took longer than expected to get a good first reason.

"Alright, how 'bout this?" Morgana pushed herself forward from where she'd been lurking in the corner of their table, and the wicked smirk on her face was promising. "If you don't get five good reasons before midnight - that's in forty-five minutes, Merlin – then you have to let Arthur take you home and have his wicked way with you."

"_What_?!" Merlin spluttered, but could tell even with his current nearly wasted state that he wouldn't be getting away from the proposition.

"Come on, Merlin." Gwaine nudged his shoulder in a boisterous way that was not at all encouraging. "I'm sure you can find more than five reasons to keep this rat out of your bed. And if not…" he waggled his eyebrows at the two. "losing can't be _that_ bad."

"Actually, it could." Merlin wriggled away from the arm (Arthur's) that had begun to snake around his waist. "I'm a lot more dominant than most people'd think, and I can't see Arthur contentedly accepting the role of _bottom_."

"Well, that's reason number one!" Morgana smirked and leaned back. "You're on a roll, Merlin."

Merlin wanted dearly to whimper, 'no, I'm not!' but if he did, his fate would be sealed. So he dropped his forehead on the table, and started to think on another good reason… 'til, of course, he got distracted by remembering Pooh Bear's "think, think, think!" and whether that would help.

"Hey!" Arthur started to snap his fingers over Merlin's head, and rather obnoxiously at that. "Second reason, please. Forty minutes 'til I get to cart you off, if you keep on this way."

Merlin lifted his head, pointing dreary and pissed-off eyes at his friend. "Don't sound so eager, you arse. This won't exactly be fun for you. You should be _helping _me."

Arthur slung his arm over his shoulders (again) and sighed. "Merlin, I _honestly would!_ But, to be honest… I can't think of five reasons you don't want to shag me either!"

Merlin flushed. "I'm not getting into this with you! I'm done! I have my reasons, but if I don't want to share them, that's fine, and you can't change it!"

"Merlin." Arthur drew back, looking affronted. "Are you saying you don't _want_ to shag me?"

"_Who would?!_ You're an egotistical bastard who I'd rather _die_ than have to put up with in bed, who has _far _more sexual experience than I could _ever_ live up to, and I happen to like darker- and longer hair, and a bit _less_ ridiculous muscle, more of a tan, _less _fucked up teeth, I don't want to complicated a relationship with a good friend- '_cause things would get at least a little weird once we've-. And I don't want to!"_

Leon let out a low whistle. "Well. I wasn't counting, but I'm pretty sure that's over five."

Merlin looked hopefully around the table. Apparently, his eyes were just pleading enough because Morgana took pity on him. "Of course it is! And we wouldn't have made you do it anyway, Merlin. You're too good for Arthur."

Merlin blinked a few times, before finally catching on, and agreeing. "Yes. Yes, I am."

Arthur elbowed him. "No, you're not."

Aaaand the gleam was back in Morgana's eye. "Arthur? Give us five reasons _you_ wouldn't shag _Merlin._"

Merlin groaned and dropped his head back on the table with a thunk, while Arthur turned quite red. "I- I don't think I have to do that. We've just gone through it, another round would be boring."

"I'm up to it," interjected Gwen. Your reasons'll be really different, I bet."

Arthur glowered, and began. "He's too scrawny for my tastes. He probably sounds like a choking cat when he's getting fucked, he reads comics, he's not nearly as clean as he should be _ever_, and, as he's already stated, we would spend too much time fighting over positions. And I don't do virgins. It's ungentlemanly." With that, he calmly took a drink, acting as if he hadn't just done… whatever he'd just done. Merlin, however, was not ready to forget.

Red in the face, mouth open wide, hand clutching his beer like it was guaranteed not to shatter, Merlin spoke out indignantly. "I am _not _a virgin!" His face shut down immediately. As soon as he'd said it, he realised his mistake, as almost everyone leaned in a few inches like vultures.

"Really?" There were few times Merlin wanted to punch the self-satisfied grin off Arthur's face. "Do tell."

"No. It's none of your business, any of yours. And I'm not telling." They were all (Merlin included) too drunk at that point to realize that poor Merlin meant what he said and said what he meant.

Morgana leaned closer.

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"I do _not _sound- _ahh!_- like a fucking choking _cat_ when-."

"Of course not, Merlin. Mphff. I had to- say something that wasn't true so you… wouldn't get- offended."

"Yeah, you did a right good job. Flip- flip us over."

"Never. And thank you. You didn't- ha- try too hard…. Fucked up- teeth?"

"Shut up, I love your teeth. And I'm perfectly hygienic."

"No, I'm holding to that one. You don't shower nearly enough."

"Personal preferences."

"You want me to get a tan?"

"I don't _care, Arthur!_ It's not like I stare at your- agh! Uhh, lily-white thighs when I've bent you over a table."

"It's my turn, stop ruining it."

"_You _stop ruining it, and flip us over!"

"I repeat. Never." They both thought the talking was over for the night, but then Arthur laughed. "Virgin, my arse."

Merlin smacked him.

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**(I have never not appreciated a review.)**


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